reflections

I have been thinking lately about my road and how I landed where I am and the things that have happened along the way. This may sound odd but part of me is greatful for all of the tough times and hard descisions I have had to make because they have turned me into the person that I am today. I am truly and happy yet part of me feels guilty for this, because one of the worst things that has ever happened to me is also one of the largest factors in where I am and who I am. July 16th is the 11th anniversary of my mothers death, that event was truly devestating to me and still is she still haunts me on a daily basis. I know she is always with me and part of me. But there are times that I feel like an amputee that still has the phantom pains of a limb that no longer exist. Talking about her even in good ways still gives me pangs deep in my gut. But if she hadn't passed on I wouldn't be as strong as I am or where I am. I would have had the luxury of living with her of her protection and shoulder to lean on. Instead I was forced to fend for myself and make something of my situation so in a way I have to be grateful for my path and will to survive which I got from my mother. I hate having these conflicting feelings I truly only get this refelctive at this time of year because it still affects me I don't think there is another event in my life that has affected me in even a simular way. I have given birth twice and married the love of my life which in one way or another has had an effect on my journey but hasn't altered my to my core. My husband just enhances who I am and my children bring out instincts I already had. Losing my mother and living on my own at such a young age shaped me, changed me forever and I guess 11 years later I still have not closed that door or come to terms with the fact that I can never go home. I have made a home for my children but the home of my childhood is gone. Home is where the heart is and a piece of that is residing with my mother wherever she may be.